An Open Letter To The Makers Of Old Mout Cider

To the kiwi it may concern,

I hope this letter finds you…

Let me just start by saying, WHY THE HELL CAN’T I BUY OLD MOUT CIDER HERE IN AUSTRALIA?!

“How does this gorgeous Aussie know about Old Mout?” I hear you ask. Well…

It was the summer of 2018. I was in Edinburgh, Scotland working two jobs just to make ends meet. The Fringe Festival was on, and everyone kept saying this was the warmest summer they’d every had. It was 23 degrees. I spent all my spare time at free fringe shows, laughing up a storm. One day I went to a bar and asked for my usual Strawberry and Lime Kopparberg and the guy said they didn’t have any. Horror. He then whipped out something else. “Try this instead” he said. Kiwi and Lime. Old. Mout. Cider.

I got a glimpse at Utopia that day.

It became the drink of that summer, the drink of my happiness, and the drink of my best days.

Not to be dramatic, but that Fringe motivated me to become the open mic pub comedian I am today, and yet… I still think your drink was the most inspiring thing about Edinburgh.

In 2010 I went through this really dark phase in my life where I became addicted to dim sims. I essentially ate them for every meal… plus as snacks too. One time I ran out of them, and I went ballistic. I just saw red and started swinging.

I WANT OLD MOUT CIDER MORE THAN I EVER WANTED THOSE DIM SIMS IN 2010.

I even promise I pronounce it the correct way!

Here are some reasons I have come up with as to why you won’t sell in Australia:

  • You freaked out about how often we change prime ministers, and you just want to keep a bit of distance from us.
  • Because we claim the pavlova, Russell Crowe, and Phar lap? And you’re scared we’ll try and claim this too.
  • You don’t want sales to go up.
  • Because NZ has never hosted the Olympics and we’re about to make it a hat trick.

Or is it because you’re looking for the right person to help launch here in Aus? I don’t mean to shock you, but I have over 150 (151 at time of typing) followers on Instagram, and I once won a colouring in competition in Gundagai. What I’m saying is, I’m a pretty big deal. I was thinking, if I get all my followers to pledge to buy a carton a week for the rest of their lives, then that should be good sales, yeah?

Just think about it.

Yours faithfully,

Freya.

P.S. I don’t mean to brag again, but I kinda feel responsible for Cadbury bringing back Marble chocolate here in Aus. I can make things happen.

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