AFL has now started and although I know nothing about it, I wanted to show my support! What better way to do that than rank the teams on their scary mascots!
Am I a sports blog now?
18. St. Kilda
A saint. Obviously the least scary.
I had to google what their mascot was. Some weird Captain America wannabe. Definitely not scary… almost comical.
The chances of being killed by Johnny “The Doc” Docker are low… but never zero.
15. Geelong Cats
I’m not worried about a cat killing me. But they can hurt a bit when they scratch.
14. Port Adelaide
I didn’t know if I should go with “power”, “lightning”, or “thunder”. They’re all ok with me though. Not too scary.
13. Sydney Swans
Swans are mental. They are ruthless. They also having resting bitch face.
12. Western Bulldogs
Bulldogs are cute but we all know that dogs can’t be trusted.
11. West Coast Eagles
Eagles are hunters but since I am neither a fish nor a small dog, I am not too worried about being picked up and carried away by an eagle.
Hawks are scarier than eagles. I think it’s “they’ve got eye’s like a hawk” that gives them the edge over eagles.
9. GWS Giants
I’m not sure if it is an evil giant like the one at the top of the beanstalk or a good giant like the BFG so I’ve put them in the middle of this list.
8. Adelaide Crows
Symbol of death. That’s scary. Birds are scary because they’ve got wings (something I don’t have) and talons (also something I don’t have).
Magpies go out of their way to inconvenience you and try to peck out your eyes. Dicks.
6. North Melbourne
Kangaroos are cute and fascinating when they are young or 100 meters away, but I won’t be getting close to one any time soon. We’ve all seen that video of the two Kangaroos fighting on the road… but we’ve also all seen the video of the man punching the kangaroo… hmmm
Tigers are a poor man’s lion.
4. Brisbane Lions
I once heard a lion roar in the wild (the wild streets of the Melbourne Zoo) and I must say it was scary. If the lion roar could scare me that much, then I’d absolutely be pooing myself if I came face to face with one… to be fair everyone would be pooing themselves if they came face to face with a lion.
3. GC Suns
I have very pale skin, so the sun is a big concern for me.
2. Melbourne Demons
Obviously, demons are scary. Legit the Devils minions. The only demon I can think of that isn’t scary is Ted Danson from The Good Place. The rest are all bad news.
So, for the sake of Essendon, I’ve decided to ignore that weird “Skeeta” thing that would be less scary than the Saint and judge them on “The Bombers”. I thought I should give them a fighting chance.
I think it is undeniable that a bomber would be the scariest thing to encounter out of all the other mascots. Hands down winner.
Image: Artwork by Grange Wallis